When You Fall in Love to a Narcissist Who Accuses You to Be One

I am reading the words written by this PH.D. doctor Peg Streep about gas lighting versus Blame-shifting and something sounds familiar to me. According to the author, narcissistic people may use one of these tactics, and both tactics are verbally abusive and depend on an imbalance of power in the relationship between the person using them and the person on the receiving end; the powerless intended target is usually very invested in the relationship, most likely loves or cares deeply about the abuser, and is often dependent on him or her.  The person doing the gaslighting or blame-shifting is actually more interested in feeling powerful or in control (and the buzz that comes with it) than they are emotionally connected to their target.

Do not play his game, if you do not want to be trapped in his fishnet

Gaslighters — people who try to control others through manipulation — will often accuse you of behaviors that they are engaged in themselves. This is a classic manipulation tactic. Cheat in relationships, yet accuse their victims of cheating. Accuse their victims of manipulation, when they are the ones who manipulate. Whatever the origin of the gaslighter’s accusatory behavior, they are still 100 percent responsible for it. Treat all cases of accusations toward you as what they are — accusations, not facts. There is no need to spend extra energy trying to defend yourself; it will never be good enough. Instead, take a hard look at whether the behavior the gaslighter accuses you of is actually something they are doing.

Since one of the key tactics of gaslighting is to stay on the offensive, many gaslighters can become highly aggressive and hostile when called on their falsehoods and lies. Rather than justifying their own words and actions (which they know are indefensible), they try to regain control by doubling or tripling down on their attacks, while discrediting and dehumanizing their victims. By enacting this “toxic drama,” the gaslighter hopes to intimidate and bully their victims into submission while getting away with their own character flaws and moral corruption. Gaslighter’s behavior is — manipulation of you and  others by way of accusation or distraction. Gaslighters take advantage of their target’s fears, insecurities, vulnerabilities, and neediness to their own ends.

Depending on the situation, a gaslighter may coerce the gaslightee to limit their interaction with friends, family, associates, wider community, or broader media. Just yesterday I heard the words: “I wanted to save you, ” Typical of oppressor psychology, some gaslighters cast themselves as “savior,” “hero,” “superior,” and the only one with the power and solution to alleviate the gaslightee’s many issues and difficulties (real or invented). In order to grant relief, claims the gaslighter, the gaslightee must submit to their directives, no matter how manipulative and exploitative.

Blame-shifting also exploits whatever disparity in power exists in the relationship and, between adults, it has certain subtleties that gaslighting does not and, as a net, it catches more fish. This behavior is always about power and the sad truth is that the victim tends to be the one who loves, needs, and depends on her or his abuser in ways that are significantly different from the motivations of the person shifting blame.

This particular form of manipulation depends on the abuser really knowing your weaknesses and tendencies; among them might be your steadfast avoidance of conflict or your proclivity to play the peacemaker; your tendency to backtrack on your positions; your desire to please; your own insecurities and doubts about yourself; and your tendency to question the validity of your thoughts and feelings.

 Let’s say you complained about his or her behavior and the argument escalated until suddenly the abuser says, “I wouldn’t have acted that way if you weren’t always nagging me” or “If you didn’t always start in when I am dead tired from work, I wouldn’t lose my temper” or “If you weren’t always focused on you and your needs, we wouldn’t be fighting.” The chances are good that the guilt-tripping works because you want this relationship to thrive and suddenly you feel awful and you hear yourself apologize.

I am sorry to say that this actually happened to me. I did notice early in my relationship to a man who turned out to be highly narcissistic that he had an odd way of deflecting the conversation when I discovered he hadn’t been entirely truthful about something I asked him about.

The obvious answer is that it permits them to dodge responsibility for their words and actions; what’s more convenient than having a ready fall guy or a scapegoat? Plus, being right all the time is a dandy confirmation for the narcissist, reinforcing how strong and superior he or she is, . An allied tactic is what Craig Malkin in his book Rethinking Narcissism calls “playing emotional hot potato,” which is another way of looking at projection: The narcissist ascribes what he or she is feeling to the target. That too undermines the target’s sense of her own perceptions; even though she can see that he is red in the face, his jaw muscles working, and his arms closely held against his chest, he is telling her that it’s her anger that is wrecking the relationship. And she is apt to believe it.

And this explains all the jealousy scenes where he, as a cheater, was trying to ascribing me his misbehavior, or when he realized he was a narcissistic and he had to accuse me of being one. Narcissistic people have their own ways to see people or animals, they alternately idolize a person or animal and then demote it to being the lowest form of life possible. There is no middle ground. 

Never trust a narcissistic person with an animal, If a dog has urinated on the carpet while the narcissist was out, the narcissist sees it as a personal affront—even though the narcissist left the dog alone for 12 hours. The narcissist then hits the dog and calls it names. The dog learns to fear the narcissist. When people or animals fear the narcissist, he or she gets a psychological payoff of control.  

You get home from a business trip, and the narcissist says they have been so busy and they forgot their medicines. By neglecting your dog, eliminating your pet, the narcissist has removed one more barrier in order to control you.    

Never trust a Narcissist in your life, for every reason, they are only users, they will love you as long you let them feel macho, when you try to correct their misbehavior, you are going to be their worst enemy. They spend your money without hesitations, they feel as they deserve it, and if you stop to give them, you are useless, their interests go often towards what they can use, it is not you as a person, but them in the center. Remove them from the center, and you will be manipulated and abandoned. 

There will no be a turn back, not this time. Eyes open to all of you, don’t fall in their trap, it takes time, you connect the dots and it is done, stop all their games, OVER.

Inspired by Preston NI, Streep P. and Sarkis MS

An Inspirational Walk

The sky is azure, that cyan wonderful blue, no clouds are around and the view of the horizon makes the sky looking even bigger. Far away, on my right, it is starting that pinkish color for the sunset, and I am enjoying my nice walk, my solitude, my slow pace. I stop to look at a flower, touch a palm, look at my feet stepping on the grass, or feel small compared to the sky. The background noise is the chirping of the crickets, they rub their leathery front wings together to attract females. I hope their are lucky and find the right one.

Sandhill cranes are around, I can hear the trumpeting alarm, I look for them. I love their shapes when they fly, my first painting will have one on it in the blue sky, and sand, and an ocean, and a lot of blue, and while I am closer to the forest, I hear a bird. It sounds as a car’s alarm, making two repeated sounds, silent, and two sounds again.

I love to breathe deeply when I am on my own and in a relaxing environment, it must be the fresh air, the green, the blue sky, soothing, calming, and I open my arms, as to hug the sky, because I really need a hug, and this beauty helps me to forget. I am still walking, now between the palm trees and the oaks, where there is insulation from the hot temperature and I hide from other people.

The hight of the palm tree forces me to lift up my chin and move my body towards the top. The rustles of the fronds, the textured trunk, I stare at it… reminds me of a pattern I could use in the crochet, a soap pouch as a palm trunk, and palms are at the beach too, just to relate to the ocean.

On my way back the sky is darkening, it makes me sad, it is like all the recent bad things happening show up right there. I look for something bright, the orange, fire red, vivid colorful sunset. It saves me, and I walk faster because the exercise, can change my mood, and I am sweating, a good sign, and I am speeding the pace, and the dark sky is right there, immense, peaceful, no stars, they run away from me, and I want to run towards them.

I believe I can fly…

each step brings me closer to my walls, I don’t need darkness, walls, I need a world full of colors and scents, my soap world, and here it is how a new soap is born, green, purple, natural

et voila’

It is late at night, tomorrow, after my walk, I will be inspired, and I will create a nice setting for the pictures, tomorrow, my exciting folks, tomorrow… be on the alert for a new arrival.

This is the crafting world. I do not know the outcome, I will discover it with you.

The Trousseau

The trousseau is an antique Italian tradition of our grandmothers and mothers too, to donate towels, sheets, and all kitchen equipment to the spouse. Being born a female in Italy, in old times, was just a burden for the parents. While male were going to work, providing for themselves, parents had to dote the young girl getting married with real property, usually the house where she was going to live with her husband, and the expensive trousseau, plus kitchen equipment.

After the elementary school, if the girls were not continuing school, almost the totality of them, they were receiving a embroidery frame to learn how to do the needlework, and stitches while playing.So, finished school, the mothers were buying to their young girls, linen or tela of Monza, and they were teaching them to work on their trousseau. This was going to become their priority until they were finding a wealthy husband.

The girls were going to embroider towels, table cloths, sheets, and personal items, curtains, quilts, blankets etc. The wealthier family were going to prepare a trousseau of 12 items for each section, the less fortunate, only 6. The trousseau included crocheted blankets, table clothes, towels with initials and so on. Once finished, they were not going to be washed but preserved inside a wooden trunk.

Who does remember that terrible smell of camphor?

The preservation could take long time, but when the girl was finding a wealthy man, he was invited at lunch, the trunk was going to be opened to show the dote to all his family member and friends.A week before the wedding, all the girlfriends of the spouse were coming to the house, and helping to wash the trousseau by hand, the hard to remove stains were bleached and the sheets or items were hanged under the sun to dry in wire lines.

This was not too long ago, this was my grandmother’s timeframe, before the war. When I was child, time changed a little bit, girls were going to school, so it was my mother and grandmother working on my troisseau. I learned crochet and knitting, during the summers when I was visiting my grandmother every day. I never learned the embroidery art.

I was conversating with other people of my generation and we all have the same problem, we have the trousseau, which takes a lot of room, and we never use it. Mine was washed in the cleaners, for the fine fabric, ironed and packaged. It is still in its original package, worth a life of work, very elaborate, hand made and MADE in ITALY, but what do I do with it?

Today I went through it, like all girls open the trunk, and I felt proud of my grandmother and mother. They had good taste for the times, and I decided to put a table cloth in my kitchen table. Even the every day sheets have a lot of work on them, and are delicate to wash.

I can only take pictures of them and show off. They are too precious to be used, and memories are within them. My grandmother is no longer with us but her legacy is.

Il Corredo

Il corredo e’ una vecchia tradizione italiana delle nostre nonne e mamme, di donare tovaglie, lenzuola e set da tavola alla sposa. Nascere femmina in Italia, ai vecchi tempi, era un peso per i genitori. il maschio andava a lavorare e si poteva mantenere, mentre la femmina aveva bisogno della dote, normalmente un bene immobile dove andare a vivere col marito, la batteria da cucina e il corredo.

Dopo la scuola elementare, se le ragazze non continuavano la scuola, quasi la totalità di esse, gli veniva comprato un telaio da ricamo per imparare a ricamare e lavorare con l’ago.Quindi finita la scuola, le madri compravano stoffe di lino, cantu’, o tela di Monza ed insegnavano loro a lavorare al loro corredo, ovviamente, questa diventava la loro attivita’ principale prima che trovassero il “partito buono”.

Le ragazze ricamavano asciugamani, tovaglie da tavola, lenzuola, coperte, copricoperte, biancheria intima, sottane, tende ecc. Le famiglie più abbienti preparavano 12 set di ogni categoria, quelle meno abbienti circa 6. Il corredo comprendeva tovaglie con iniziali, coperte di uncinetto, lenzuola ricamate e, una volta finite, non venivano lavate, ma conservate in un baule. Chi si ricorda quell’ odore di naftalina?

Sarebbero stati conservati per molto tempo, quando, pero’, la ragazza trovava il partito buono, il futuro sposo veniva invitato a pranzo e il baule veniva aperto per mostrare la dote ai familiari di lui e amici. Una settimana prima del matrimonio, tutte le amiche si riunivano a casa della sposa e lavavano il corredo a mano, per le macchie più testarde si candeggiava e il bucato veniva steso al sole nei fili di ferro.

Non parlo di tanto tempo fa, ma dei tempi di mia nonna, prima della guerra. Da piccola, i tempi erano cambiati, le nuove generazioni andavano a scuola, allora erano mia madre e mia nonna a lavorare al mio corredo. Io ho imparato l’ uncinetto e i ferri durante le estati quando andavo spesso da mia nonna, e, sfortunatamente, mai a ricamare.

Stavo discutendo con altre ragazze e tutte abbiamo lo stesso problema, il corredo che prende tanto spazio, e che non usiamo mai. Il mio e’ stato portato alla pulitura e stirato professionalmente e impacchettato, ancora nella confezione originale. Una vita di lavoro, elaborato, fatto a mano e MADE in ITALY, ma cosa me ne faccio?

Oggi ho aperto i pacchi, proprio come le ragazze aprono il baule e mi sono sentita orgogliosa di mia madre e nonna. Avevano ottimi gusti per i tempi, ed ho deciso di addobbare il mio tavolo con una tovaglia. Anche le lenzuola giornaliere hanno un certo ammontare di lavoro e sono delicate.

Posso solo divertirmi a fotografare, sono troppo preziosi per essere usati e tante memorie conservate dentro i pacchi. Mia nonna non c’e’ più, ma la sua eredita’ ci sara’ sempre.